Evolutions are tricky little things. Recently I've been obsessed with the idea of creative evolution. Maybe it's 30. Maybe it's a change in the season. But my guess is I'm obsessing because it's hitting a nerve. Take this blog for instance, looks different, no? If you haven't been here before, trust us, mama made some changes. Something felt wrong about how it was formatted. I was adding pieces, I was adding fragments. I was adding none of the stuff that bound it all together: me. Don't get scared, this is not going to be a blog about what I had for dinner. (Zucchini pasta with truffle oil and tofu.) Changing this blog around by shuffling my thoughts into a possibly less coherent, possibly more inspired format is an overdue evolution I've been avoiding like that one random subway car that's empty at rush hour. And why is a blog format so damn tricky, you might ask? Because in this format, this platform as they call it, I've got to cuddle up to my imperfections. Because any artist who has done anything significant understands that exposed imperfections are the driving force behind meaningful work. Because I woke up last week scared shitless that my life was anchored by lies and fortified by anxiety. It felt old. The only thing to do: evolve.
So why do you care? You don't, but that's not the point. I don't need you to care about my 6am anxiety and the fact that yes, I spent $15 on truffle oil (sorry husband), I just want to connect with you. I just want my story to stir something in you. I just want to hear your story back and connect the dots. Spilling my guts on writing and acting and creativity and trying to be a woman when I feel like a child and not wanting to settle or sell out or miss out or converge on the end of my life hanging my head saying I tried instead of I did is, I believe, the only way to you. It's the only way to create a bunch of some things out of nothings. And getting to you, my tribe, my community, and making stuff, when it comes down to it, is really all I want. And for all those reasons, blog formats evolve.
The scariest part of evolution for me is the demolition of old identities. It feels so safe back there in the past. If I'm not going to be the woman who holds it all close to her chest and packages it in the tidy little box she learned how to contain herself within back when fitting in was the holy grail of success, then who the f#$k am I?
I'm only sharing this with you because chances are you feel the same. Chances are you have a heavy part of yourself you don't even want to let go. Not only do you know it holds you back from living a really creative, vibrant life, but you don't want to let it go. Amen. Preach. Heard. I get ya. It's not because we think it's okay. It's because we don't know what we'll fill our arms with once it's gone.
So I'm filling my arms with an aggressive amount of truth and a sensible dose of introspection because it's something new. I have no idea if it'll work. I have no idea if my 6am anxieties will now only be brought on because I can't believe I spent $15 on truffle oil and no longer because I have an ache in my heart from trying to protect myself from actually being exposed. It may all be for naught. But evolution doesn't come free. We pay by shredding up our egos, dissolving our control, diluting our anxieties, tearing down our expectations, muscling through our misguidance, burning every last ounce of inauthenticity and finally saying, I don't know.
And this is the exact spot where we can begin to create. The blank page of I don't know is the only way into your gut. So here will be mine. We're going to talk about writing and life and why I'll go through the pain of reformatting my blog just so I don't have to write the next 1000 words of my novel that I promised myself I'd write today. (More on my major resistance battles later. Spoiler alert: there will be tears.) We'll talk about the things that matter and some things that don't. We'll create a space in our days to remember what it's like to feel free and exposed and capable of just about anything.
I hope you stick around and I hope you and I connect so we can get down and dirty and evolve right up out of our fears, one word at a time.